This morning at 4 AM, my bed was empty.

There was an indent on my husband’s side of the mattress, left by him a few hours prior when the anguished cries of our toddler beckoned him down the hall to his room. When I checked the video monitor, I saw him laying there on the wood floor next to Joseph’s bed- a silent, sleeping guardian keeping any further nightmares at bay.

There was an indent on my side, too, left by me as I jumped quickly out of bed to tend to the needs of my 2 month old daughter when her cries pierced the early morning stillness. I bounced, rocked, nursed and “shushed”  until, finally, her eyelids closed and I collapsed onto the couch, her little body snug against my side.

And it was there, lying in the dark of the living room watching twilight shadows dance across the floor that I heard Jesus whisper: “Do you see me?”

The raw, tired, not yet caffeinated response I gave came curtly- “No.”

And immediately I thought of the word I had been given for this new year-

Encounter.

At first, I thought I was mistaken when the word came to mind as I prayed about how the Holy Spirit might want to frame what is to come in 2020. But the Lord persisted. Encounter. As I prayed on it further, I began to see snippets of this word and its potential impact for my life everywhere- a Facebook post, a mention in Fr.’s Sunday homily, in the generous reminder from my co-blogger and dearest friend, Mary, that the Gospels are quite literally filled with men and women encountering Christ, and having their lives completely transformed by but a brief few moments of conversation.

An “encounter”, a ‘chance meeting, but one of great significance’- took on an entirely new meaning as I pondered it in light of God’s providence and considered what it might mean to Him; that, perhaps, His desire is for me to encounter Him in every single moment of this year, even the seemingly insignificant ones.

It was with this in mind that, despite my sleepiness, I saw what the Lord was offering me with the question He had posed. “Do you see me?”- was an opportunity to meet the Lord in this private sacrifice and go deeper with Him. To encounter Him in those He had placed in my life.

And so, where I might normally grumble to myself or let the tired wear me down, I looked more closely. And I saw.

Baby Jesus, pressed to His mother’s chest as she swayed back and forth to calm His cries.

Toddler Jesus, reaching for the strong arms of his father to calm the feelings of fear brought on by a darkened room.

My Heavenly Father, willing to meet me in my own darkness to protect and calm, despite what it costs Him.

Through the lens of “encounter”, this small, secret moment of motherhood became Holy ground- an intimate experience of Jesus steeped in his humanity, of the Father loving me SO well, of the Holy Spirit turning small sacrifice into abundant grace.

And then, without skipping a beat, came the Lord’s gentle, loving whisper:

“I see you.”

In the dancing twilight shadows, rocking my crying baby, worrying over my husband and son, fighting the urge to pity myself about the early morning wake up call, Jesus saw me.

He sees me, in every little moment- every private failure, every small victory. And the littleness of my life suddenly becomes tremendous in His sight. The “moment” becomes a glimpse into the eternal. A chance, rather, providential encounter within the walls of my own home leads to the transformation required that I might more fully live out my call to love and my identity as beloved.

This morning at 4 AM, my bed was empty…but, in the gaze of my Father, my heart was abundantly full.