“Let me share some of my peace with you!”
It’s a phrase I think of often when accompanying 3-6 year old children in the atrium on their journey with the Lord. It’s not very often, but sometimes, a child will enter the atrium (or have a “moment” once inside) with an unsettled emotion. It could be fear, disappointment, anger, or sadness… But just like the children themselves, all are welcome.
Part of the catechist’s role is to model behavior and be a house of peace for every child, so that they can be free to explore the carefully prepared environment before them and ultimately, come to better know God. The phrase, “let me share some of my peace with you,” is something I think about as I prepare myself to be with the children each week. While this phrase might accurately describe my offering to the child, it is first, a prayer to God: “Lord, share some of your peace with me!”
I’m told that this scenario is not a singular experience in the raising or teaching of children – that parents as well as teachers have an unmistakable gift and challenge to show up for their children from a place of self-regulation. I’ve seen it first hand in my friends who are healthy mothers; they react and respond to their children’s big emotions with such poise and peace that they do not add to confusion, but absorb and deflect it so that the child can be safe to express and navigate the world around them.
Such adults as these offer their children co-regulation. For those not familiar with the term, Jessica Cosby, PhD referred to co-regulation as a means to “connect in such a way… that helps a child’s emotions come, flow, and pass in a way that feels safe and manageable.” Co-regulation is the sharing of one person’s peace with another who’s nervous system is out of control.
Yet, as healthy adults: who is going to help us co-regulate?
That’s where my Sunday morning phrase comes in: “let me share some of my peace with you.” Friends, what if we looked to the Father for our co-regulator? What if we became the child in our innermost identity as sons and daughters?
God the Father wants our emotions. He longs to soothe them and bring them peace. He waits and He welcomes us in our most childlike needs. He makes it possible for us to give our emotions, experiences, and perceptions a home without imposing them on others.
God the Father wants our reactions. He loves them. He treasures them and He knows all about them and how they came to be. Taking time to work them out with Him and know that they have a place in His Heart will afford us the chance to be free to engage in healthy relationships.
Exercising healthy behaviors in relationships (of any kind!) requires us to be self-regulated. Seeking co-regulation with the Father allows us to live from our natural order of life with God: reception first, and then self-offering. We can receive His peace and then offer it to others.
My friends, let’s not skip the first step, but try instead to first receive peace.
This isn’t something we need just for the sake of children! We need this to cultivate all healthy relationships in our lives, whether as parents and teachers or spouses, siblings, or friends. Even the closest, most intimate relationship is not – and should not – be the source of all co-regulation. The Father must always come first.
I saw a mother once receive her crying, angry two-year old daughter with an incredible amount of self-regulation. She offered it to her daughter in such a way that the daughter regulated her reaction to going to bed by angrily sharing her frustration with her mother and then burying her head in her mother’s lap. Her mother acknowledged the frustration, soothed the daughter, and reminded her just how much she loved her. That was all it took. The daughter walked back to bed, dried tears, murmuring something about her stuffed turtle.
We can all be like this mother by first being like the child – not once, not twice, but every single day. This is part of Maria Montessori’s methodology of being the “prepared adult.” She says, “Be a prepared adult, aware of your gifts, blindspots, fears, and needs.” We can prepare for any environment we encounter – works, school, the grocery store, or the dinner table – by offering ourselves to the Lord and asking Him to be our co-regulator.
A Prayer for Co-Regulation with God the Father
My Father in Heaven!
I lay my head on your heart, the source of all love and tenderness. Lend the rhythm of its beating to my own, so that the emotions inside me may find steady peace. Take my frustration, anger, pain, tiredness, sadness and anxiety and give them space in your Heart, so that I can be fully present to the souls before me and the tasks at hand.
As your daughter, I ask that you share your perfect regulation with me. I know you never tire of my needs and treasure the moments I come to you. Guide my behavior to reflect your peace and give me courage to notice impulsive reactions and respond with self-compassion, choosing to give them over to you rather than giving in to them.
Make Your willpower my willpower. I give all control to you and trust you will strengthen my behavior for good and reflect your light instead of confusion.
You are the Heart of all hearts! Share with me your grace and your peace, in unity with Jesus Christ, your Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Her Soul Proclaims 