parenting

The Daughter of the King Can Have a Bad Day

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One summer morning, I stopped at the local coffee shop after a weekday Mass. I expected to see college students or groups of retired individuals gathered inside. But to my surprise, the coffee shop was scattered with fathers spending time with their small children.

There was one father-daughter duo that stood  out to me among the rest. They were in line to order when I arrived. The father’s hand was holding that of his daughter who was elegantly clad in a princess dress. A paper crown donned her tangled hair, and her little high-heeled shoes clicked as she walked.

He placed his order for coffee, making sure to add her choice of pastry. As they waited, the little girl spied a canister of water and cups for guests nearby. Loudly, she told her dad she was thirsty and wanted water. Her dad gently leaned down and said, “No, you have water in the car, and we’re going there as soon as our order is ready.”

This decision launched the little girl into a spiral of sadness. She fell to the ground as if her legs gave way. Her father tried to calm her down, but it was no use. The tear dispenser was on full throttle. 

The barista handed the father his coffee and, with his daughter’s pastry tightly clasped between his fingers, he bent down and scooped her up into his other arm and proceeded to walk out the door. Her paper crown was crumpled and nearly fell offer head. They passed a lady who smiled and said, “Is the princess having a bad day?” The father nodded and replied, “We’ve all been there.”

I was touched by the father’s response and words of compassion about his daughter’s emotional state. It made me think about my Heavenly Father, and I wondered if He felt the same way about me? Is He also unfazed by my responses to life’s challenges – especially when they seem to be unbalanced to the situation? Does He commiserate with my pain, even when it seems trivial? 

The answer is yes. 

I walked away from the coffee shop that day with my cinnamon latte and three things about the Father that I want to remember:

Let the Father Carry You: Life is so much better, even in hard moments, when we’re held by the Father. We know He loves us like the sheep in the parables, carried around the neck and held in the arms of the Good Shepherd. He loves us so much he’s ready to literally walk for us, and bring us to a green pasture. The next time I’m hurting, I want to know that He’s not only walking for me, but transporting me to a better place that I can’t get to alone.

All is Not Lost: (aka. There is a pastry waiting for you in the car.) When presented with hard things, most often I assume that the hard thing is the Father’s main focus (because it’s my main focus!). While He no doubt has His attention fixed on my pain, deep down inside, I know He also has His sights set on something more – something good that He has prepared for me that’s bigger than whatever makes me cry. Like the pastry clasped between dad’s fingers in the coffee shop, the Father has something good already picked out for me that He knows will be my favorite. I don’t need to see it in this lifetime to know that it’s there. (Matthew 7:11)

The Father Loves Me, even when I’m not at my best: “We’ve all been there” the coffee shop dad said about his daughter’s tantrum. He could have very easily (and understandably!) looked in exasperation, rolled his eyes, or showed frustration. But he didn’t. He remained calm and showed his daughter by his actions that he was on her side. He was in her court, and he wasn’t about to let even a stranger have any last word on her tears. He stood up for her in that moment and claimed her. The father does this for me, too, so that even when I’m misunderstood or looked upon by others with pity, the Father sees in me the strength and goodness he knows is at the core of my heart.

The next time we have a hard moment or a difficult day, let’s remember that we are just like this little girl and her dad. We are held, safe, and loved, even when our paper crowns are crumpled. We are daughters of a King. Perhaps he kisses our foreheads with the same tenderness of this father, happy to love on us through thick and through thin. It is good to be a daughter! 

Co-Regulating with God the Father

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“Let me share some of my peace with you!”

It’s a phrase I think of often when accompanying 3-6 year old children in the atrium on their journey with the Lord. It’s not very often, but sometimes, a child will enter the atrium (or have a “moment” once inside) with an unsettled emotion. It could be fear, disappointment, anger, or sadness… But just like the children themselves, all are welcome.

Part of the catechist’s role is to model behavior and be a house of peace for every child, so that they can be free to explore the carefully prepared environment before them and ultimately, come to better know God. The phrase, “let me share some of my peace with you,” is something I think about as I prepare myself to be with the children each week. While this phrase might accurately describe my offering to the child, it is first, a prayer to God: “Lord, share some of your peace with me!”

I’m told that this scenario is not a singular experience in the raising or teaching of children – that parents as well as teachers have an unmistakable gift and challenge to show up for their children from a place of self-regulation. I’ve seen it first hand in my friends who are healthy mothers; they react and respond to their children’s big emotions with such poise and peace that they do not add to confusion, but absorb and deflect it so that the child can be safe to express and navigate the world around them.

Such adults as these offer their children co-regulation. For those not familiar with the term, Jessica Cosby, PhD referred to co-regulation as a means to “connect in such a way… that helps a child’s emotions come, flow, and pass in a way that feels safe and manageable.” Co-regulation is the sharing of one person’s peace with another who’s nervous system is out of control.

Yet, as healthy adults: who is going to help us co-regulate?

That’s where my Sunday morning phrase comes in: “let me share some of my peace with you.” Friends, what if we looked to the Father for our co-regulator? What if we became the child in our innermost identity as sons and daughters?

God the Father wants our emotions. He longs to soothe them and bring them peace. He waits and He welcomes us in our most childlike needs. He makes it possible for us to give our emotions, experiences, and perceptions a home without imposing them on others.

God the Father wants our reactions. He loves them. He treasures them and He knows all about them and how they came to be. Taking time to work them out with Him and know that they have a place in His Heart will afford us the chance to be free to engage in healthy relationships.

Exercising healthy behaviors in relationships (of any kind!) requires us to be self-regulated. Seeking co-regulation with the Father allows us to live from our natural order of life with God: reception first, and then self-offering. We can receive His peace and then offer it to others.

My friends, let’s not skip the first step, but try instead to first receive peace.

This isn’t something we need just for the sake of children! We need this to cultivate all healthy relationships in our lives, whether as parents and teachers or spouses, siblings, or friends. Even the closest, most intimate relationship is not – and should not – be the source of all co-regulation. The Father must always come first.

I saw a mother once receive her crying, angry two-year old daughter with an incredible amount of self-regulation. She offered it to her daughter in such a way that the daughter regulated her reaction to going to bed by angrily sharing her frustration with her mother and then burying her head in her mother’s lap. Her mother acknowledged the frustration, soothed the daughter, and reminded her just how much she loved her. That was all it took. The daughter walked back to bed, dried tears, murmuring something about her stuffed turtle.

We can all be like this mother by first being like the child – not once, not twice, but every single day. This is part of Maria Montessori’s methodology of being the “prepared adult.” She says, “Be a prepared adult, aware of your gifts, blindspots, fears, and needs.” We can prepare for any environment we encounter – works, school, the grocery store, or the dinner table – by offering ourselves to the Lord and asking Him to be our co-regulator.

A Prayer for Co-Regulation with God the Father
My Father in Heaven!

I lay my head on your heart, the source of all love and tenderness. Lend the rhythm of its  beating to my own, so that the emotions inside me may find steady peace. Take my frustration, anger, pain, tiredness, sadness and anxiety and give them space in your Heart, so that I can be fully present to the souls before me and the tasks at hand.

As your daughter, I ask that you share your perfect regulation with me. I know you never tire of my needs and treasure the moments I come to you. Guide my behavior to reflect your peace and give me courage to notice impulsive reactions and respond with self-compassion, choosing to give them over to you rather than giving in to them.

Make Your willpower my willpower. I give all control to you and trust you will strengthen my behavior for good and reflect your light instead of confusion.

You are the Heart of all hearts! Share with me your grace and your peace, in unity with Jesus Christ, your Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.