It was a simple invite to play mini-golf from an unexpected number. I saw the familiar last name in the text message, but was surprised to see that instead of an invite from Faith (who was out of town) I was invited to spend time with her husband Paul and a few guy friends one weekend last summer.

The mini golf game was so enjoyable. As we began the game, Paul declared that the winner “gets to buy Mary’s dinner afterward.” (I think it was pretty clear from the start that I wasn’t going to win.)

I felt absolutely, positively loved that day by my friend’s husband. The memory of that day has become an ongoing place of gratitude in my heart, for this is just one of countless surprises that has come from “losing” my friends to marriage.

Yes. I have “lost” more friends to marriage than I can count. It’s been 15 years since my first childhood friend started dating her now-husband. Since then, I’ve stood beside (or in the choir loft) as one friend and sister after another said “I do” to the one man of their dreams.

To the young single woman who told me recently that she’s struggling with the idea of her best friend getting married this year, I get you. It can be difficult to watch a complete stranger waltz into the life of your friend and whisk her away to a new life and a new last name.

No matter how obliging or sacrificial a friend might be, the entire dating and marriage scene changes the priorities in our friendships. And there is a natural sense of insecurity to one outside of the relationship. The reality is – when your fiend gets married, things just won’t be the same.

And do you know what I say to that?

Thank goodness!!

This past decade has opened my heart to a whole new way of looking at the “loss” of friends in marriage. The days of meeting up for burgers after work on a weekday or enjoying a lazy Saturday afternoon together are over. Yet, they have ushered in new memories and moments I wouldn’t (and couldn’t!) live without.

There is no denying that my friends change when they get married. It’s something I’ve grown to understand and appreciate over time. They are, in fact, opening the great gift of their vocation and diving into a whole new world of relationship. Change is never a small word.

But the true-blue friends change in the best possible sense of the word. They become more of themselves. I see new places of surrender, sacrifice, and love pour from their lives and into their families. I see their best qualities become even better. I marvel at the ways they bravely maneuver all sorts of new territories, from in-laws on holidays and shared bank accounts to pregnancies, births, and miscarriages. These women show me what love looks like. And they welcome me into so many places of blessed messiness.

I learn through them that the struggle to trust in God’s timing and plan continues into marriage. They teach me that the need to overcome self-doubt continues into parenthood. And they point to my single life and show me that there’s nothing really solitary about it simply because they’re right there, beside me, welcoming me into their lives, homes, and families.

Their children call me “Aunt Mary” – even though I’m not technically their aunt. I get to watch tiny little people grow into smaller versions of my friends and their spouses. My musical repertoire includes rhythms with hand motions and my weekend Christmas schedule is often decided by which youngster is performing in a concert and when. Sometimes, in very special cases, I even get to share in the spiritual journey as a godmother.

Truth be told, I don’t know what I would do without my married friends and their families. Without them, I wouldn’t know just how imaginative children’s’ minds can be when telling scary stories around a bonfire. I might not be able to experience the sweet joy of a newborn’s restful weight on my chest as he sleeps. Or know what that baby’s first day is like in the hospital after she’s born.

With them, I know that it’s possible for a man to love a woman so much that he truly does lay down his life for her.

These good men do more than humor our friendships – they invest in them in a million different ways, making sacrifices and time for visits, nights out, and even adventures to foreign lands. I will never forget something my friend’s fiancé said to me when announcing their engagement and asking me to be in their wedding party, “Mary, we couldn’t imagine our wedding day without you.” I knew then that the joy that comes from sharing lives in different vocations was mutual. Because that’s exactly the way I feel about the men who marry my friends – I can’t imagine my life without them. 

So if you’ve ever wondered if a married and single friends can retain friendships beyond weddings, consider this and know that the bond between two women who share the same heart can grow, no matter how different their lives might look in the everyday. I believe it has something to do with our maternal mission as women, made for motherhood and by nature of the family, invited to sisterhood through it… much like Mary and St. Elizebeth. Perhaps Alice von Hildebrand says it best:

“A woman by her very nature is maternal — for every woman, whether … married or unmarried, is called upon to be a biological, psychological or spiritual mother — she knows intuitively that to give, to nurture, to care for others, to suffer with and for them.”

Want to grow your family? Embrace your single sister into your home – messiness and all! Or, lose your married friend for a minute so she can bring back something more.

Love, Mary